early morning stream of consciousness

You probably didn't even hear about this, but the Department of Defense has quietly activated martial law. Read correctly it says that the government can legally fly unmanned drones to kill Americans. Ah, our own government. Always looking out for the best of it's people. 

I just remembered this dream Owsley had back in the RV where he said all these people were eating at an outside reception after a wedding and drones came in and just started killing everyone. Around the same time I was having dreams of being in a big city and schrapnel falling from the sky and impaling people. I remember Queen Elizabeth made eye contact with me and put her finger up to her mouth in the universal "shhhh" sign, and then went inside a building with a green door. 

The restraint I had yesterday morning, I'm telling you. Sometimes I have more willpower than I know. I have recently remembered that I have the first couple paragraphs of The Tell-Tale Heart memorized from like 9th grade. Yesterday morning at around 5:45 I had this huge desire to go slowly open the bedroom door and creep over to the bed, stand over Peppy and start reciting, "True! Very nervous. Very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am. But why will you say I am mad? The disease has sharpened my sense, not dulled, not destroyed them." 

But I didn't. Imagining it was probably better anyway. 

I saw some small clips of Trump dancing and singing at his rally and it truly felt like the last season of a show where they are just running out of ideas, and the viewer is thinking, "Man, they should have ended this last season."

We have this newish volunteer, and she brought her mother and son in with her on Friday. Yesterday she came in and told me that on the drive home her mother couldn't stop talking about how much light I radiate without even trying, and how she had never seen anyone so at ease with the person they were made to be. 

She told me all these flattering things that brought me to tears, and that now I couldn't remember even if I tried. She said something about how her mom watched me interacting with everyone and how she had never met anyone who seemed so at peace. 

I didn't even really know what to say. After a lifetime of feeling out of place in my own body, I am at peace. I do know who I am and where my worth is found, and it is a beautiful thing to me that strangers can see Christ's light shining through me. I think it is the best compliment anyone could ever give me. 

Speaking of the food bank, the director called me yesterday and asked if I was ready for a $5/hr pay raise and to become the director, so that she can move over to board president. I wish I could somehow explain what a weird sensation this is for me. Do I have reservations about becoming director? Yes, because I have so many self doubts at times. Do I feel like I have had doors opened for me so that I would be at this position? Yes. Despite my personal concerns, I feel in my gut that this is the next thing that the Lord wants me to step out in faith. Ten years ago I did make that promise to him that I would follow him wherever he led me. And well, here I am. 

There is a part of me that snorts at the idea of me, Deanna, as director. Like I have imposter syndrome. Well, I guess when you're constantly told as a child you are making everything up, you tend to feel like an imposter at times. I don't know, just using some common sense trauma logic. 

I have continued my 5:30 am deck dance parties, even on the days that it was raining. That actually made me feel good in a "hey, you are absolutely crazy" kind of way. Owsley and I often have singalongs on the way to the food bank, and this has become a way that I learn my part for new songs. The new Linkin Park song, The Emptiness Machine, is a whole lot of fun to play air guitar to. Some mornings when I'm jumping up and down on the deck I am afraid I might just break the whole thing. 

Today's gonna be the day you notice, cause I'm tired of explaining what the joke is. This is what you asked foooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrr.

Another new Linkin Park one I'm learning. At least Miss Scientology has some fun screaming parts, although my voice definitely meshed with Chester's better. I need to work on my guttural sounds. From the diaphragm! 

Because the world is filled with horrible interactions, I would like to share a wholesome one. Owsley and I can match energy some days when it comes to acting obnoxious when it is just the two of us in the car. A couple weeks ago while I was driving Owsley noticed the man driving next to us had caught the end of one of his dances and kept looking over to see if Owsley was going to start back up. This was on a stretch of the road with lots of red lights and every time we stopped I would see him looking at us. And I would be looking out of the corner of my eye. "Owsley, is that man still looking at us?" "Yep." 

The next red light he slowly started creeping up next to us and I looked over and he suddenly had this super hairy chihuahua under the armpits, making it dance. Ten second random positive connections with strangers, I love them. I hope that man and his dog are having a wonderful day. I have thought about them every day since that day.

The only difference was the mustache length. Bing did a good job with this one.

Tell your good friends you love them all doubtlessly. Wordless and senseless without reservation. 

Now's the time.

Now's the time. 

Now's the time.

Now's the time.

Tell your good friends you love them without complaint. This road stretched for miles, straddled the countryside. Licking the hills with autumn decay. A fire that burned the bright gold covered forest down.  

This is the end of all that you thought was good.

This is the end of reckless young energy.

Breathless suspense and restless potential.

This is the end.

This is the end.

This is the end.

This is the end.

Don't say I didn't try to tell you. 

Sometimes I wonder if anyone ever reads this and wonders, "How could no adult have ever suggested this human might have some sort of neurodivergence? Did anyone ever even listen to her for over 30 seconds at a time?" I also wonder how all my sensory meltdowns and the fact that I pulled out and ATE my hair until I was about 8 seemed to go under the radar. No adult in my life ever stopped to scratch their head and ask any questions?

I imagine people probably like me more in real life because I DON'T verbalize every thought. Better to keep quiet and maintain a little mystery.