man, I feel like a woman

Ugh. I believe I am probably in my beginning stages of perimenopause. You probably don't care to know that, but the last two months my mood swings associated with PMS have been absolutely brutal. Like....making me feel so crazy that it reminded me of when I tried to remove my IUD myself. Good times, good times. 

Yesterday I was trying to explain it to Peppy in the calmest way possible. It feels as if absolute rage is boiling right beneath the surface of my skin. For no reason at all. I'm not mad at anything, I am furious at everything. It makes me feel like destroying something would be the only thing that would make me feel better. This kind of out-of-control PMS is what made me look into transcendental meditation years ago. It makes me want to destroy everything in my way. I become this natural disaster of a woman, hellbent on a warpath. And I hate it because this is a not a normal feeling for me. 

I tried screaming at the top of my lungs on the way to the food bank, and that didn't work. (Don't worry, this was on a day Owsley didn't come with me.) Fortunately on Fridays we don't do any financial assistance, so I was able to do admin work squirreled away in my little hole away from all innocent humans that might accidentally be sucked into my vortex of ruination. Then when I got home I just went outside and hid from everyone. I try my best to explain, "This is 100% me and not you. So go away," but you know, sometimes feelings are hurt. Especially since I'm the only female here. Times like this a little girl power solidarity would go a long way. 

It sucks when you know the root to this is hormones, and so you just have to ride it out. Today I woke up minus the rage, but with a deep empty feeling of melancholy. At least I know this means massive hormone dip and things are about to level out again. See you again in 28 days, you lousy female reproductive organs. 

Bing had a pretty hard time with this one.

Why?

Reach out and touch rage. My own personal Dali. 

Peppy has this coworker who was talking to him about his "crazy conspiracy nut aunt," and "can you believe she actually thinks a hidden cult controls the government and that they are working undercover with aliens to create human hybrids in labs?" So Peppy responded with answers of what he believed 1) yes, there is someone controlling the government and 2) he wasn't sure about aliens but there are definitely people out there creating some kind of hybrid humans. 

It is hard for me to wrap my head around people that still don't understand this is all fake. How can anyone still put their trust in this system and believe a change for the better can happen with just a mass vote? What a great delusion. 

Have you ever seen the stars pulsate in tandem? It reminded me of Kirby's Dreamland when all the Kirbys line up and dance. They were pulsating, spiraling and bouncing nonstop. 

I am feeling not as sad now. I was dancing around on the deck to Le Loup Family in a very culturally inappropriate way. But no one was out there watching me, so who was I offending anyway? Plus, these cultures aren't what we've been taught, so I was really only being a caricature of a lie, and that is hilarious to me. It felt like a one person powwow. I don't think I'm supposed to say powwow. 

I always feel so much better if I can just make myself get up a dance. Yesterday was one of those cannot days. I am unable to explain this sensation unless you experience it yourself. Throughout my entire life I've obviously never been a real 'go-getter,' but there have been other days randomly thrown in where I just literally cannot. I cannot make myself care. I cannot make myself get up. I cannot make myself be better because I'm trying my hardest and I still just CANNOT. Yesterday was a cannot day, and if these are regularly back in my life schedule I am definitely not excited about this. I always used to put huge red Xs a few days on the calendar so I would remember it was coming up and a reminder to Peppy to just not even look in my direction. And to not take it personally when I was irrational and psychotic. 

It always makes me feel a bit better that I am a quiet person when I feel like this. No one wants this. I don't want to ruin anyone's day with my tumultuous mood. Negativity is contagious, and if I am blessed with at least being self-aware of what is going on, I am going to go OUT OF MY WAY to keep from hurting anyone around me. I'm not spreading this toxic garbage if I can help it. 

Great news. I just read that Taylor Swift has a concert in Indianapolis next Saturday. Hopefully that succubus will impact the crowds at Kings Island. 

This is the end, beautiful friend. This is the end, my only friend- the end. Of our elaborate plans, the end. Of everything that stands, the end.