closing up our yearly accounts

My phone sent me a nice reminder that we moved into our house four years ago. This was also my reminder that I've been living in this new reality for four years. Four years. Four years. Four years. Sometimes it feels like four days. So much was stolen from me, but I really haven't gotten down about that in months. Maybe I will have a brief moment when I am confused and frustrated, but I really have been practicing the idea of flinging a little monster off my shoulder when the self-absorbed 'woe is me' thoughts try to linger in. Plus, being out of the house five days a week has been really good for me. 

When I think about what was taken from me, I think about how many are so much worse off. I am one person out of what, eight or nine billion? Some people longhauling have literally no family around, and many are bedbound. One of our newest volunteers told me recently that his wife hasn't been the same since she had covid. This is the closest I've met to one of me in real life. Well, I obviously think more people are affected by this than actually realize it, but this is the first time I've heard of someone actually admitted to being remarkably changed. 

I'm currently in one of those cool phases where I drop everything that doesn't have weight to it. I also have been losing my balance a lot. I saw an interview where Christina Applegate said one of her first signs of MS was falling over. Great. I'm not saying I will or won't have MS down the line, but covid definitely left lasting nerve damage that cycles through regularly and it definitely gets more intense with hormonal changes.

Despite everything, I think I look pretty good for 40. Can I say that? (And Memaw looks AMAZING to be almost 90.) A couple months ago we were at my parents' house for something and I was watching their digital frame and a picture of me and the kids popped up that was from Six Flags a couple summers ago and it took me a moment to recognize myself. I just don't look at myself much anymore, but I think I can safely say that all those years people told me I would appreciate my baby face one day were right. Can I say all this without sounding totally vain? I spent so much of my life looking in the mirror and scrutinizing everything, so much of my childhood thinking that everyone is constantly staring at me and judging me. It is so nice to finally not care and to realize it really ain't so bad when I do look in the mirror. Plus, with everyone always staring at a screen and not paying attention to real people, it is the introverts time to shine right now.

Christmas Eve was always one of my favorite days growing up. Every year we would go to my Memaw's and Papa's house for lunch, with a huge spread of junk food. Growing up we didn't have this kind of junk food. Yes, we had cookies and chips, but we mostly had no calorie/fat free snacks as a kid, and Christmas Eve meant bagel bites, pigs in a blanket, country ham biscuits, homemade chex mix and sausage balls. Oh, and the desserts- fudge, forget 'ems, goofballs, and homemade peanut butter cups. It was all there, and more.

Me and my niece performed a duet to Drop It Like It's Hot. It was so slay. A total banger, no cap. Apparently this song is on Fortnight and she was shocked that I knew it. Sometimes you have to speak to them in a language they can hear.

Oh Aasic, I remember when your face used to be more two-toned. Now she looks like a skinny baby polar bear.

Owsley has started cooking a little bit. Back in November my mom mentioned buying him an apron with his name on it for his birthday and I told her I thought it would be a waste of money, but I could give her a list of kitchen utensils he might want instead. His birthday came and went and there was no apron so I forgot all about it. I got the feeling that someone was glaring at me, and I look over and Owsley is side-eyeing me so hard in a way that I had never seen him do before. 

Someone who shall not be named, (no, not Voldemort) had a bit of a meltdown because the toddler in the family had just woken up from a nap and didn't want to immediately file in line for family pictures. We got to hear the old classic, "No one loves me. All I ever ask for is one small thing, and will anyone do it for me? No." Ah, reminded me of the good ol' days. I'm not trying to throw anyone under a bus here, because honestly, it had been a while since we had experienced a breakdown at a family get-together like that.

Last week we found out that one of our homeless clients had basically been running her own hostel from an abandoned building. She had hooked up internet and electricity and was charging other homeless people $2 a day to stay there. Apparently the owner of the building doesn't come around often, but does periodically do check-ins and was surprised to find his empty building not so empty. 

This has sat in my drafts for days so I guess I'll go ahead and hit publish.