armchair diagnosing myself: part two

I've been a thinking a lot about my armchair diagnosis of being on the autism spectrum. Right now since my ability to concentrate for longer than fifteen seconds has flown out of the window and I have lots of restless energy, I find myself hula hooping while listening to my favorite christian youtube channel- AOC all the way. If I'm not doing that, I'm usually playing board games with Owsley, writing, or just walking and thinking. Between the constant movement and the way food still tastes weird, I'm literally in the best physical shape I've been in since I turned 30 and my metabolism was like, "Byeeeeeeeeeee."

Anyway, this isn't about diet or weight loss or anything like that. It's about some examples and past experiences that have come to the forefront of my mind lately. I do want to preface that I mention a some of the adults in my life and how they reacted/responded in certain situations. I am not blaming them at all. I honestly believe that we all have character flaws, but the people in my life were trying their best. And at times they probably thought I was intentionally being a punk*ss brat. 

*Tucking me in- I was so very particular about how I had to be tucked in at night. The blankets had to be tight and smooth and I literally needed to be tucked in so tightly that I couldn't move. I only got one spanking from my granddaddy growing up, and that was because I was spending the night and having an absolute meltdown because he didn't know how to tuck me in the right way. I don't even remember this happening, but I've been told about it a bunch. Even now, I greatly appreciate that I'm an early bird and Peppy is a night owl, because I am fast asleep before he ever comes to bed. Those early years of marriage of trying to go to sleep at the same time just never worked for me. 

*Eating my hair/ chewing on lips/ messing with finger- So I've been giving this stimming thing a little more thought and I realize that I have been doing this my entire life. In fact, the pediatrician was a little concerned at the amount of my hair I was ingesting and told my mom it was probably equivalent to a cat's hairball. It was just that my hair was so long and so I would pick up the tips and suck on them, and eat my hair in the process. I have memories of standing up in my crib and nibbling on my hair, waiting for someone to come pick me up. I also have had a lifetime bad habit of chewing on my lips when they feel dry, and once I start I literally cannot stop, so I have chapstick on hand wherever I go. When I was a server and had a table that was really stressing me out, I would use my left thumb to vigorously rub against the nail of my index finger. I still do this and sometimes wrap the index fingernail with a band aid to keep from doing it so often, because it has made the veins in my left hand bulge like I'm 90.

*Cantaloupe and salmon- I really don't have too many food aversions. Luckily my mom would usually cook a meat and three our four side dishes, and between the five of us, it was usually all eaten. But I do remember some meltdowns over salmon (ahhhh, the gristles. Just thinking about it is grossing me out.) And I remember one all out brawl I had with my mom over a piece of cantaloupe. I could not attempt to chew and swallow it without gagging. 20+ years later, if you brought me a plate of cantaloupe I would probably fruit ninja that crap all the way to Mars. 

*Smells in laundry and housecleaning aisles- I am VERY sensitive to chemical/fake smells. If I stand in the cleaning aisle for too long I will get a migraine. Every the dyes in clothing stores makes me nauseous. 

*Selective mutism- I have given this one a lot of thought. Nothing brought out dread quite like classroom introductions. I loathed reading aloud in class, even though I am a great reader. I sat in dread most classes, worried I would be called on, even though I usually knew the answer. Sometime in band we would have to go down the row and play a piece individually and I would totally freeze up and not be able to make a correct note, even though I could hit the notes when we played as a whole. And in group projects I would offer to do a majority of the work as long as I didn't have to give the presentation. 

*The dresses I used to wear-clothing in general- I was a pageant baby, and so I was trained from toddlerhood to put up with the worst, most horrific itchy and scratchy dresses imaginable to a little girl. I do understand that lots of girls enjoy dressing up and looking like a princess, but not in dresses made of this material. This is how my mom dressed me for church until I was about 8 years old and I just finally sized out of this clothing. I am pretty sure she had some custom made the older I got. And then when my mom had her wreck when I was 13, I finally was able to pick out my own wardrobe of JNCOS and XXL shirts. Even now, I do try to look presentable in public, but everything I wear is as soft as pajamas. And I also believe Satan created bras. Absolutely horrific. 

Hello, Jonathan. I know you're reading this. That particular blue dress was the bane of my existence and I remember going back to my Sunday school class after church was over, and pouring Elmer's glue all over it. It was the only thing I could think to do.

Here is an interesting story that I only recently learned. One Sunday when I was about six, we had some visitors (a mom with her two daughters) come to church, and one of the girls looked at me and said to her mom, "I've never seen a little girl look so sad!" and the other girl replied, "It's probably because of that dress she has on." Hah, even the other kids knew I looked like a clown. And speaking of clown.....

*Makeup- Now, I am a fan of making my eyes look huge, but you will never, ever, ever, ever see me with foundation on. I cannot even begin to describe how cold and wet and nasty it makes me feel. The same reason I hate being wet and sandy.

It's Halloween and I'm even looking like, "get this garbage off my face NOW."

*The fights my mom and I would have- Oh man, I really don't know where to begin with this one. I will say that my mom and I both have very strong opposing opinions concerning particular things. Our brains are wired very differently and there were times where we literally just did not understand each other at all. We thought polar opposite things were important. I often felt a lot of guilt that I was not the daughter she had hoped for. There were many times where she told me the way I was reacting was just for attention-which was totally opposite of what I was actually doing. I never wanted to be noticed. We do get a long now, and we've learned to accept each other's differences. It took me moving out and having some space between us. Plus grandchildren seem to heal particular wounds.

*Rapid movement out of the corner of my eye- If I see someone jiggling their foot, or Peppy repeatedly scratching Owsley's back, I use my hair as a curtain because for some reason the repetitive movement makes me irrationally angry in a way that I cannot explain. I used to be able to hear my dad scratching my mom's feet from the living room downstairs when I was in my bedroom upstairs, with the door closed. It always made me want to scream. 

I'm sure that over time I could think of many more instances. I'm pretty grateful that I'm such an introvert that most of my meltdowns happen only in my mind. And like I said in my previous post, a potential diagnosis literally does not change anything, but it does explain some things to me, and I think life would actually make a little more sense if my brain were wired a differently than others. There have been so many times in my life when I have wondered why things that come so naturally to others seem to be like pulling teeth for me.

Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk.