Oh, longhauling. The gift that keeps on giving. I know I repeatedly mention that I can't feel most emotions, but every once in a while I feel this little ball inside of me getting angry. I want to shake my fist at the powers that be and scream out "What did you do to me!?" But I know I'm not alone. Even if many people think all this longhaul stuff is in your head. Which I agree with 100%, because it is in my head. I know massive inflammation due to the virus went to my brain, causing some sort of brain damage. And to be honest, after almost a year of this cycle tricking me into thinking I'm getting better and then suddenly exploding in my face again, I'm resigned that this is it. This is me now. I don't even feel like the same person I was a year ago. And I don't mean this in some sort of existential crisis sort of way. I mean it literally. I do not feel like the old Deanna. My memories of this past year feel like a dream that is slowly slipping away. I don't think the way I used to. I don't have the same likes and dislikes I used to. I have so much trouble getting to the part of my brain that accesses my higher self. And even when I do, it doesn't last. It's like this brief reminder of who I used to be. A tiny taste of who I really am deep inside. And then it's suddenly ripped from my grasp and the cycle begins again. If I had feelings it would probably suck really hard. I often feel like I'm this other person trapped in my body. Like I'm an imposter.
It's about a six week thing. The first couple weeks I will have extreme brain fog that leaves me thinking I've got dementia. I still lose my train of thought while I am in the middle of a sentence. That's why I like typing, because if I forget I can just reread the last thing I wrote. Here's something funny. Ok, it not funny. Here is something sad. I can tell you many of the things I blogged about 10 years ago. My memory of anything that happened before last Christmas is still crystal clear, although the nostalgic feelings are completely gone. But now I don't remember the things I write in this blog. I'm aware that I probably repeat myself regularly, but I can't help it.
As the brain fog begins to subside, the inflammation hits and lasts about a week. Then the shortness of breath and trouble getting a deep breath begins, which also coincides with my left eye twitching to the point of driving me crazy. I think maybe some of it is anxiety, even though I am not anxious. Or at least I don't feel anxious. Some days it feels like my heart weighs more and I often have a resting heart rate of 120. Then I'll get up and move and it will go down to 60. As these symptoms begin to wane, the neurological pins and needles begin. The whole while my sense of taste continues to change from one day to the next, and every day I have this restless energy that keeps me from focusing like I used to. On the positive side, I'm in great shape because I never stop moving! And I haven't had a major depressive episode in almost two years, which is phenomenal. I just don't care enough to care.
I don't know anymore. I can see how this would all seem unbelievable. I look the same. I sound the same. But I am not the same. My younger brother and I have basically have had twin longhaul experiences, and while I hate it for him, it nice to have someone who understands, because I don't think I would if I weren't experiencing it myself. I wonder how many there are like me and Blake, because I know we are not alone. I just don't know anyone else in person (aside from my brother) who is experiencing long term cognitive and neurological issues. Recent studies are saying up to 40% of people who had covid have at least one long haul symptom lingering. I now have a much better understanding towards those with invisible illnesses.
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