scheduled lobotomy

Did you know lobotomies used to be performed through the eye (with an icepick) to sever the connections to the brain's prefrontal cortex? I would have probably been a prime candidate 75 years ago. I used to have this computer game where you were trying to escape a mental institution and if you got caught you were lobotomized. 

I went to my appointment yesterday. The receptionist had given wonderful directions and when I walked into the office I was immediately put at ease by the music playing. I don't remember what it was, but it must have been some late 90s pop/rock station on XM, because there were no commercials. I remember recognizing all the songs, but I couldn't recall any of them now. The office staff were all very nice and that helped because I had no idea what to expect.

I filled out some basic paperwork, and then I was called back shortly. I had read lots of online praise that you never have to wait more than 10-15 minutes. 

The doctor was very nice and led me into her office and let me choose between three chairs. I chose the one in the middle just because it looked the most comfortable. I briefly wondered if I was being judged on what chair I picked. I read a little bit of what I had written and she asked me some questions. She ended up prescribing me Wellbutrin, which she says should take the tiny bit of dopamine I am making and rearrange it in my brain in a more useful way. My pharmacist brother agreed that was probably the best thing for her to prescribe. 

She asked me to describe myself as a child (very imaginative but kind of lazy, never finished projects I started, always procrastinate), and what level of education I completed (college dropout after 2.5 years) and what makes me irritable (repetitive sounds, foot/pencil tapping, gum/food smacking.) She told me these were all ADD signs, and I think I might have laughed because I have always thought this to be true, but I never recognized the repetitive stuff as distractions. I just saw them as super obnoxious noises that made me want  to temporarily hurt someone.  But it does make sense. And it was interesting hearing a professional validate some thoughts I've had my entire life. 

She also asked me what kind of anxiety I had prior to covid, and I told her I used to internalize everything, but I wasn't much of a worrier, I just didn't like being in groups of people. She asked if there was every a time in my childhood where I thought I was being watched and judged. Ummm.....how about my entire childhood of beauty pageants. Again, I knew low self esteem was probably connected to the beauty walks, but I'd never thought about social anxiety being connected as well. I did tell her that I had learned as an adult that most people are so busy with their own lives that they rarely notice people anyway, so most of that social anxiety has melted away over the years. And now I'm thinking those beauty walks are probably the root of when I started dissociating. 

She also asked if I had ever been suicidal, which I was honest and told her I had had suicidal ideations in the past, but had never actively tried to kill myself, or even daydreamed about how I would do it. 

She said that we'll check back and see if the fog has cleared any with the Wellbutrin and go from there. She asked me if I had been vaccinated after I had covid and when I said no, she said, "Good. Don't." So now if anyone ever asks me why I didn't get vaccinated I can honestly say that my doctor advised against it. Hah! She also told me to take quercetin and niacin. I have some niacin in the B-12 pills I have. There are just so many supplements that I have tried and given up, because who wants to take 10 pills in the morning? Right now I'm really only taking fish oil, biotin, 5-htp and an allergy pill. But if she recommends this for her patients with brain fog I can at least try those two supplements. She really emphasized getting the swelling of the brain down and said quercetin was the one she regularly suggested for that. She also said she believes covid is biowarfare and that she thinks it has physically and mentally affected more people than even realize it. I think she is an answered prayer. She is also a Christian and a homeschool mother. I couldn't get over how much I clicked with what she was saying and the viewpoint at which she was coming from. 

I looked up how Wellbutrin made people feel, and read reviews praising and criticizing it. So I stopped reading them. I'll go into this blind and make my own decision without any previous assumptions. I read the pharmacy pamphlet, and one of the side effects was spontaneous unexplainable weight loss or gain. If I wake up and I'm suddenly 30 pounds heavier without changing my diet and exercise, I'm going to stop. Hair loss was another very rare side effect. Maybe the biotin will help combat that, but if more hair starts falling out, I'm also going to stop. And of course, if I have immediate suicidal thoughts, I will kill myself. 

I'm just joking. 

She told me to take it first thing in the morning, so I took it about twenty minutes ago. I thought maybe I'd type this up and then see if I could read the bible any easier. I'm in Revelation now, which is a book I've read over 20 times, and I'm still struggling each morning. I've been reading a chapter a day. But maybe this is better for me, because I really do have to stop and meditate on each sentence, when I didn't have to do that before. 

I pray this helps. Maybe it won't make me normal again, but I really do hope this wakes up something in my brain. 

I want to feel less like the left, and more like the right....although the picture on the right was taken mid-corona, before we knew we were sick. And I had just taken some real Sudafed, so I had all the energy. For the record, we were dancing to 'Safety Dance.'