the end is the beginning

I hate shoes. I generally own four pairs of shoes until they fall apart and have to be replaced: an off brand teva type sandal, a dressier pair of sandals (you know, for upscale events, dinner parties and funerals), some boots and a Tom style shoe. I haven't owned tennis shoes since high school. My feet don't really mind. They seem to be incredibly resilient.  About 6 years ago I bought these incredibly cheap shoes at either Ross or Burke's. I don't remember. I was drawn to the color and knew I would wear them all the time. I wore them until they literally fell apart. And for a cheap pair of shoes they lasted for years. I was so sad to see them go.  Yesterday the kids and I went to lunch with my mom and Memaw and then we went in a few stores. My mom wanted to go into Burke's. I had a gift card left from my birthday last year and wanted to look in the shoe section and see if they had any fake tevas. I've had incredible luck finding them there, and they always see...

Last Monday I was at the food bank when I recognized a familiar voice that I hadn't heard in a long time. It belonged to a previous volunteer that I will refer to as Maggie. I work in the office side of the food bank now, but when I first began volunteering I was in the back of the house making food bags. Maggie had volunteered for a brief period of time, maybe a month or so, but I loved the days we were scheduled together because she knew a lot about the bible and spiritual warfare, and we had some really amazing conversations.  And then one day Maggie randomly came in and said she would no longer be volunteering with us because she felt God was calling her somewhere else.  I had wondered about her a few times over the years, but really hadn't thought about her in a while, so when I heard her voice I immediately recognized her, and jumped up and ran to say hello. This is so unlike me. Usually I like to blend in and not draw attention to myself, but I had really liked Maggie a...

This is fact- The spirit world is existing right along side us. We can affect their world, and they have great influence in ours. This next part is my opinion- I believe that babies/toddlers/some small children can see into the spirit world. I don't think they are constantly watching spiritual warfare going on around them, but I do think if maybe an angel or an evil spirit were to be lurking around, the baby could sense it or see it. I believe maybe animals can sense and see some things too. Like I said, this is all clearly my own opinion and there's nothing in the bible speaking one way or another. (Actually I did find this verse: At that time Jesus said, "I praise you Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to the little children." Matthew 11:25 I believe that because small babies and toddlers haven't had to chance to be conditioned to unbelief yet, they are aware of everything around th...

Yesterday we went to a 20th birthday party for Peppy's cousin. When we got home Owsley asked if that was what Peppy looked like when he was 20. Luckily for me, I've had the same email address for over 18 years, so I can pull up all those old correspondences and smile (and sometimes cringe.) Peppy and I had a whirlwind romance. We dated long distance for three months and then eloped. Throughout that three months we were emailing each other nonstop, and then after 9 pm we could call each other. Remember back when minutes were free after 9? I was checking the time stamps on some of the emails I sent and apparently when I was in my early 20s I had the ability to stay up much later than I can today.  When I moved in with Peppy there was a lot of family drama. I hurt my family in ways that I never imagined I ever would. Not trying to justify myself, but I knew  I was supposed to marry Peppy. Before Peppy, I got tired of boyfriends after a month. Due to this factor, I honestly though...

I made this cake yesterday. It was my first time trying a frozen buttercream transfer and I think it turned out pretty well, considering. I kind of wish I had known about this technique years ago. Actually, I question why I haven't watched any cake decorating videos before yesterday. Well, the truth is I'm not a fan of watching videos of anything really, because in the age of youtube you have to listen to one hundred minutes of garbage before they get to the actual information.  It was incredibly lovely to bake in a big kitchen again and be able to spread out. And being able to put the dishes into the dishwasher felt absolutely magical. I had to go into the RV because my food coloring gels were still over there. It felt so surreal stepping inside and thinking about how we lived there for five years. Even though we've only been in the house three months it seems like fulltime RV living was a lifetime ago. (Then again, I have been in a perpetual brain fog for the past three m...

It's the most wonderful time of the year....tornado season in Alabama. Just over the past two weeks we have had three tornado watches in our area and actual tornado sightings in other areas. I do pay careful attention to the weather when there is a potential threat of tornadoes, but I think I'm a little calloused to the whole thing. Growing up, it seemed like for a majority of March-May, my brothers and I donned our bike helmets and were forced to squish under the heavy wooden desk in my dad's office, while our mother anxiously paced like a caged tiger, and my dad stoic-ly sat in his recliner and watched the radar. A tornado could be 100 miles away and our mother would already have us stuffed together. I do not believe tornados can teleport, but this was always the way that it was. We were prepared in case a tornado suddenly was upon us. My mom is a naturally prone worrier and tornado season always seemed to amplify that. I do remember us constantly asking if we could get u...

 I feel like a part of me is missing, only I don't know what part it is. Like, the space in my head is a little dimmer, but I just can't tell what's gone. I recognize that something is not there, but I just can't place what exactly is different. Sometimes it feels like there is a huge marshmallow in my head that I have to squash myself through in order to get to what I'm looking for in my mind.  I've really not felt like blogging much lately, so I thought this would become the official documentation of how I slowly descend into madness.  Ok, that was a bit much. I'm not going crazy. I just feel like this brain fog has left me slower and a bit less on earth and more zoned out than before. (If that is even possible.) I can literally just sit and dissociate. On the other hand, I'm so restless. I'm up and down with foggy energy in spurts all day long. But then come around 8 pm, I am done for the day and ready to fall into a dead sleep until 6 am.  We wen...

The brain fog has lifted and I don't feel like a zombie, but a lingering coronavirus symptom for me has been my complete lack of concentration. It is intense. I've always had some symptoms of ADD, but after 36 years I've learned some coping skills to manage in life without medication. I'm a procrastinator, I don't live up to my full potential, and it's hard to get me motivated over things I don't care about, but I have found ways to manage over the years. Lists, reminders, self discipline, doodling in the margins to help focus when someone is speaking. These things have basically all fallen away and it's all I can do to concentrate on what's right in front of me. My attention span can handle short reddit posts and news articles, but even that can get overwhelming. And let's forget about external stimulus. I need to be left alone in silence to do anything. Voices and sounds become a foreign language and I find myself sucked into this chaotic vacuu...