the end is the beginning

*Today is the big day for my psychiatrist appointment. I also learned that this particular doctor was previously a neurologist, so I hope and pray that she is able to give me some direction. Is this something I just need to somehow get over and move on with my life? Or do I need to be more patient and wait? Or am I going to become Bruce Willis? Who even knows. My appointment is at 10:30 and although I'm not nervous, I'm just ready to get it over with. I've never done this before. I don't know what to expect, and I don't particularly like situations that I am unfamiliar with. I typically avoid most doctors unless it is necessary, and I guess that is what this has become.  Here is some (not so great) news. Yesterday I was getting all my information together and I pulled out the insurance card which only had Peppy's name on it. I ask him to double check that I was on this plan even if my name wasn't and he pulled up him email that said, "You have two cards...

I came back to edit this post and add a picture of yours truly, because my hair is not static-y today. And it actually looks thick and healthy. It might be an illusion because the top of my hair is so much thinner, but I'll take it. The absence of static this morning has made a world of difference.  *Ancient Japanese  stone  said to contain evil demon trapped for a thousand years has suddenly cracked open. Supposedly a malevolent spirit that would disguise itself as a woman has escaped from the stone it was trapped in.  *Hebrew  curse tablet  has been unearthed by archeologists.  * Deer  are leaping to their deaths off a Pennsylvania bypass.  *Thousands flee the Philippines after  volcanic eruption . *Thousands of  ATMS  are being removed in Australia as banks make the change to digital currency.  *The FDA approves the first  gene edited cows  to be used for beef.  * Microplastics  are being found in hu...

I was reading in Jude this morning and here are some thoughts that came to me.  But these people blaspheme all that they do not understand, and they are destroyed by all that they, like unreasoning animals, understand instinctively. Jude 1:10 We are always told to trust our guts and trust our instinct. (After doing a lot of reading on how parasites can affect our brains, I don't think I can ever just fully trust my instinct again. Although I think intuition and knowing something is a little different from trusting your gut.) But according to Jude, our animal instincts are the ones that get us into trouble. They are the carnal thoughts that urge us to behave impulsively and act upon those sins of the body, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. There are some animals species that work together, but for the most part, when we think like unreasoning animals we are only looking out for ourselves. You know, some animals eat their own puke and roll in feces....

Ok. Whoever has been praying for me, thank you. It has been working. Yesterday I mustered up the focus and willpower to call and make an appointment at a psychiatrist's office. They actually had a cancellation for next Thursday right before I called, so they are able to see me fairly quickly. I have been working on typing up what I want to say, because I know if I don't go prepared I will not remember what exactly it is that I want to express. I hope they don't prescribe me an antidepressant though, because I probably won't take it. (Although I need to get over this idea that I know what I need better than anyone else. I just don't want to have to rely on a pill to change my brain chemistry every day, especially when I am not depressed.) I want to be able to eloquently explain what has changed with me, as well as give examples of how it has impacted both my life and my families lives. This particular doctor was highly recommended on the local reddit page and she has...

It has been over a month since I made one of these posts, and I certainly don't have a months worth of links to share either. I only really started scrolling through the conspiracy news on reddit sometime last week. It seems like over the past week or so, the phrase "New World Order" has been popping up all over the place. * President Joe Biden actually said, "The New World Order is coming." * George Soros  is worried that Putin's thwarting the NWO from fulfilling its agenda.  *You feel that in the air? Yeah, it feels like something is off about humanity. Don't worry, it is not just some weird vibe, this is actually a  permanent shift  that is beginning to take place.  *Farmers discover years earlier the previous owners had used tainted sewage sludge as fertilizer, and now everything on their farm is testing positive for high levels of  toxic chemicals  and must be recalled.  *Russian political party claim that covid-19 was developed in a secret ...

Yesterday I was cutting peppers and onions for dinner and I called out something to Peppy and didn't get a response. He had earbuds in. My kids were also in different rooms with headphones on. I thought, "Man, what a sad, lonely time to be a human." We can be surrounded by people and still feel like we exist in another dimension. I mean, I've felt infinite sadness at various times throughout my life, but that is just me. I'm talking society as a whole. What a sad, sad time to be alive. So much evil. So much sorrow. So much loneliness.  At the food bank today, I talked to a lady on the phone for almost 30 minutes. She didn't know me. She just wanted someone to talk to. So many people just want to know that someone (anyone) cares. So many people feel invisible. I would also like to throw out that it seems extremely unfair that the only time I feel any emotion is during PMS, and then I only feel sadness about, well, about everything. What an ironic twist that the...

Warning: There are photos of hair clumps in this post. I didn't want to gross anyone out and thought I'd offer a heads up. (This is why you get a picture of macarons first.) People are disgusted by different things. Groups of holes really gross me out for some reason. I don't know why, but clusters of holes send a nasty shiver down my spine.  Some people hate feet, or heights, or nails on a chalkboard. I loathe holes. I hate groups of holes and I cannot lie. Got trypophobia and can't deny. When some holes group up in an itty bitty place, with a great big hollow space, I feel like dung. (Not many words rhyme with 'sprung.') Anyway...... On the left we have a picture from a month ago. This is how much hair I would lose every time I washed it, not to mention how much would clog the vaccum each week. My hair is EVERYWHERE. Screaming infidelities and taking its wear. ( That song was on March Sadness this weekend   and I was all about it.) I had been taking biotin sup...

I don't remember ever loving cats when I was a child. I did have a cat border in my bedroom, but as far as I can remember, I have been allergic to cats. And so, by default, I became a dog person. I can remember my childhood dog, Star, providing me with a lot of comfort throughout those tumultuous hormone-fueled teenage years. And then there were Lady and Jade and Titus. Caesar and Cessna and Dizzy. Sassy (on a good day.) Cats just kind of fell off the radar, because when your eyes immediately begin to itch, water, and close up whenever you come into contact with not only a feline, but an empty room that a feline was previously lounging in, you just kind of forget about that animal. You learn to avoid cat hair AT ALL COSTS. But then Frankie shows up. This cat that somehow doesn't cause me or Owsley to go into an allergic attack. Frankie the cat, who could also be a dog. Or maybe I just never really understood that cats can provide the same kind of companionship as a dog. And on ...

I have experienced brief moments of dissociation and depersonalization my entire life. Especially during mentally unhealthy times or whenever I am in an overstimulating social situation where everyone is talking. I end up feeling like I'm sucked in a vacuum with people speaking languages I do not understand. These are generally brief periods and never really a call for concern because they were infrequent and only lasted for a week or so.  Generally depersonalization is brought on by drug abuse or trauma. My current round has been going on since I recovered from covid. I've been trying to identify any stressors that were in my life when I caught the virus. We had just moved into the house, and I had been stressed up until the moment the house was delivered, afraid that it might fall through. I was also constantly in a minor state of anxiety every single day due to Joey and her insane behavior. I was always afraid she would escape her fence and hurt someone or cause a wreck. So ...

"As a result of the Russian invasion of Ukraine we have temporarily made allowances for forms of political expression that would normally violate our rules, like violent speech such as 'death to the Russian invaders,'" Meta spokesman Andy Stone said in a statement .  Haha Is this real life? The same people who have wanted to censor freedom of speech now want to intentionally incite acts of violence. Donald Trump literally had his social media removed while he was still in office. Every day for over a year people have been censored for posting suspicions about covid and the vaccines. And now they implore people to spread hate, anger, and violence. This is so upside down that it is hard to keep up with that is ok to do or say. People have been cancelled for saying offending words, and now, when it is beneficial to the agenda, we are allowed to spread hatred.  This has become such a mental war. There is constant war in the mind as we are barraged nonstop with psychologic...

I haven't paid any attention to the news in over a week. Trying to give my brain the great reset. Some people who don't really understand the brain fog/damage from covid will insist that too much stimulation causes our dopamine receptors to be out of whack. So they suggest you do a social media and internet fast. Well, I haven't had any social media since mid last year. It was actually my lack of dopamine that made instagram become so unappealing. "Why am I even doing this? I am getting nothing out of this. This is nothing but a project of vanity." So I could check that one off the list.  After my post about the news killing us, I decided I better practice what I preach. And do you know what I discovered? (Aside from it not changing my dopamine in the slightest, which I didn't believe it would. At least not in my case. It would probably have a better effect on someone with a normally working brain.) I have realized that the news is like a Friday on a soap oper...

Ever since I had my mini breakthrough I've been consciously trying to connect the me now with the me I was before late December 2020. Ok, so basically what it feels like is this person that I am now didn't really start existing until January 2021. I don't really know how else to explain it. Obviously this is only an extension of me and not really a new person, but that is what it feels like. I have my memories. It just feel like knowing the very intimate details of someone else. The previous 35 years belonged to someone else.  Now that I remember what it feels like to be me I have been trying to make a conscious effort to mentally go back in time before we moved in the house. It feels like there is a foggy void connecting my current memories to my pre-covid ones. If I focus really hard I can remember what it felt like when we first moved in the house. It was so exciting, and we were all so happy. But then it gets blurrier and I lose my concentration and then I have to start...