the end is the beginning

I've been busy this week. The food bank, dentist appointment, psychiatrist appointment, babysitting my nephew, packing and getting together last minute stuff for our trip, and finding my mom a Mother's Day present because we won't be back home until the day before. Last weekend I actually typed up a post about why I hate Mother's Day for various reasons, but then I deleted it instead of publishing it.  My brothers and I chipped in and got my mom this  smart frame  for Mother's Day. She is so hard to shop for because she doesn't have many hobbies and she already owns whatever she wants. I thought this was a cool idea because all three of us can download the app and send pictures straight to her frame in real time. Owsley and I set it up yesterday- he is 100% more tech savvy than I am. It is really cool and I think she will like it. And I feel pretty good that I had the foresight to order this before the last minute. I guess this means the meds are working. My doc...

*Advertisers plan to  dream hack  into your brain while you sleep, so that they can continue to advertise to your subconscious.  *It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a.... worm-shaped cloud?  Strange 'cloud' seen over Alaska prompts UFO fears. *Intelligent people became  less happy  during the pandemic, but the opposite was true for unintelligent people. *Scientists find 5000 new  viruses  hidden in oceans. *Due to inflation, you'll need around  $5000  more this year to live basically the same as you did last year. *The WHO is trucking along with their  global vaccine passport . This one is so crazy to me. We have legitimate proof now that the vaccines didn't make any positive difference. In fact, we had MORE cases after the vaccines came out. Another thing I don't understand is concerts and venues still requiring vaccine papers or a negative test. If the unvaccinated must be tested, so should the vaccinated, because there is ...

No dopamine changes a person. Did you know that when Robin Williams commited suicide he was suffering from Lewy body dementia? Lewy body dementia is associated with the the depletion of dopamine in the brain. Without dopamine you lose all pleasure and motivation in life. I have lived this. It is a terrible existence and so many people are living it right now.  I know people say it takes time for wellbutrin to work, but having lived in a heavy fog for almost a year and a half, I could feel a difference the morning I took the first pill. Instead of everything being foggy, empty and heavy, my head my light. And instead of fog, it was pitch black, all around. But there was a difference, a pretty immediate one. And there's no way a placebo effect could have lifted my covid brain fog. I don't quite understand the mechanics of dopamine, only that I wasn't making it, or at least not any amount that made any difference. So my body was so deficient, or whatever, that it immediately f...

I have noticed that for the past week I have no trouble falling asleep around 10. Actually I usually fall asleep on the couch before then if Peppy and I are watching something. But then I will wake up, without fail, at 2:30 and will be wide awake. Usually there is a single line of a random song repeating over and over in my head the second I wake up, making it virtually impossible to go back to sleep.  A day, a week, a month, a year. A day, a week, a month, a year. A day, a week, a month, a year. I found myself missing my silent brain. Now that's something I NEVER thought I'd say. But seriously, it is so easy to go to sleep in five seconds when your brain is an empty void. A part of my brain that I feared was gone forever has partially returned, and yet another defining characteristic of Deanna- the ability to fall asleep anytime, anywhere- has melted away.  I googled this side effect and tons of people have said the same thing: a few weeks into wellbutrin they would sleep for...

I'm sick.  Again. In the beginning I guess I tried to fool myself into thinking it was my allergies, but surprisingly my allergies have not bothered me at all this year. Somebody explain that one to me. I'm not even allergic to cats anymore. How does that happen? I feel like I've had so many colds over the past six months, and they seem to happen around every six to eight weeks. Usually it is two days of feeling crappy, and then just being extra tired for a few more days. I used to rarely ever get sick. I usually got two colds every year, one in the summer and one in the winter. Since last June I have had omicron and (counting this cold) four colds. Five sicknesses in ten months is weird. I am a healthy eater and I get adequate exercise and sunlight.  And it's not just me who keeps getting sick either. Right now Gage and Owsley also have the cold. We all suddenly got it out of nowhere at around the same time. And there's a high likelihood that Peppy will get it too....

I went in a store I don't normally go in and found this sweater on the clearance rack for $5 from $64. I know we are headed for summer heat, but since having covid I am forever cold. I don't go anywhere without a sweater or hoodie. There were two of these sweaters left and they were slightly different colors. Now I wish I had gotten them both. Oh well, hindsight. It is not like I need more clothes anyway.  So I've been taking wellbutrin for two weeks now. I have had ZERO negative side effects so far. The little bit that I read online compared the first week to the honeymoon phase, because most people got positive speedy psychoactive effects, which I never did. They went on to say the second week was the hell week because their emotions were all over the place. But I just finished the second week and it was literally no different than the first, probably because I don't really have emotions anyway. Although this coming week is my hormonal week, the only time that I feel ...

1. This is....Fuggler. He showed up sometime early last week and is clearly a stray kitten. I don't know if he was separated from his family or if he is just the only one still alive, but I know he was looking for someone because of his mournful mewling the first few days. And even though he decided immediately that he lived under our carport, he clearly didn't want anything to do with people. I think he just wanted to stay here because we have many random cats come and go, such as Stankie, Dankie, Weasel, Hitler and Blackie Chan.  Owsley came and sat with him (or as close as Fuggler would allow) once he stopped running away every time he saw us, and since then he seems to have imprinted on Owsley. Owsley is his person. The cat has a bobbed tail and he often looks like he's smiling. None of the big cats bother him, but none of them are really interested in taking a kitten under their wing either.  2. This is my box of beautiful truffles from Aldi. Aldi has the best chocolat...

I watched Watch the Water  this morning. If you can make it past the first five minutes of Stew Peter's monologue, the documentary is worth watching. Or you can just turn it on and listen. I don't think there was really anything to see. It was mostly an interview. It is about covid being created from snake venom and distributed through the water. I prayed before I watched it and it all seemed very plausible. I even cried when the guy mentioned that it was tailor made to attack particular areas that are weak in individuals, like the kidney, liver, brain tissue, and heart. Because I've always known in my heart this was custom made to attack people at their weakest points.  It has definitely given me a lot to think and pray about, especially the Vatican part, and I'm feel pretty grateful that I can actually use my brain to think about things right now.  For by your sorceries all nations were deceived. -Revelations 18:23

I don't know if anyone is following what is going on in Shanghai, but it is friggin insane. China is under a "zero covid policy," which basically means they will use whatever inhumane means necessary to stomp out covid. This includes locking over 20 million people in their apartments and brutally murdering the pets of anyone who tests positive. When they initially forced people into their apartments, they all went out to the balconies and sang patriotic songs, but a  drone flew by and said that was illegal for them to do, so now they just stand on their balconies with pots and pans and scream . There are people who have been locked up for six weeks already, and haven't been allowed to leave home for groceries. The government is supplying them with a little food, but it isn't much, and now government officials are claiming  food shortages . I'm not going to post them, because they are disgusting, but I have seen videos of hundreds of cats left outside in mesh ...

I think I'm going to say goodbye to the melatonin. I'm remembering why I've never been in the habit of taking it. I'm already a great sleeper, but for the last two nights when I've taken the melatonin I immediately fall asleep and then wake up 4 hours later ready to go. Last night I was in bed by 9pm and then wide awake before 2 am. I finally went back to (restless) sleep until 4:45. I'm not sure I'll make it until closing every night at Universal. I'll have no problem with the waking up part, only the staying up part. On our last day at Disney a few years ago, I was so tired that I fell asleep on Splash Mountain (what? It is a looooong ride) and also on Carousel of Progress, but that one is not so surprising. And that was before I got sick. What can I say? I've never been super high energy, and large groups of people and extreme stimulation drain me like a cheap battery. So weird that one of my favorite places to be are theme parks. Then again, my o...

source *This map of all the businesses Disney owns is pretty insane. Disney is being thrown under the bus by conservatives everywhere due to their woke agenda. I guess I am surprised that people are shocked that Disney is corrupt. If you're reading this you probably know that my family loved Disney , but that I strongly felt the Lord pulling us away and I knew in my heart that our trip  three years ago  would be the very last time we stepped into the Disney bubble. And then my knowing was affirmed as the world began to fall apart. I watched as Disney reopened and slowly began to remove all the little things that made it special, all while continuing to raise prices. I guess what is really surprising is that people are acting like Disney was ever pure and wholesome, when at its very beginning it was littered with witchcraft and the occult. I knew all this when I went, but we were never hardcore Disney fans outside of the parks, so I didn't think much of it. Now that I am remove...

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Twilight Zone. Imagine if you will, a rare Sunday evening all alone in your empty house. Well, alone aside from you cat. The backdoor is open to let in the last of the day's sunlight, when suddenly you hear your cat growl. This is a foreign sound coming from your pet, so you peer over the back of the couch to see your cat looking at.... your cat. Ya'll know I'm not feeling many feelings, but I was legitimately shocked. Did Frankie from another dimension accidentally quantum jump into this timeline?  And if that wasn't weird enough, there is a third Frankie. This morning Owsley spotted a third one laying on the por...

This morning I woke up and for the first time in a year (?!?) I was able to visually see things in my mind while I was reading the bible. I am seriously amazed and grateful. I know it has only been a week, but I am definitely experiencing some positive changes. I am not 'back to normal' or even back to who I used to be, but I will settle on a new normal, as long as that person is functioning. I feel like I have returned to my body and that I'm not floating around a few dimensions removed from everyone else.  I started this as a daily chronicle, mostly for my own benefit, so that I could look back and see changes. I don't know if I will keep it up (probably not unless something insane happens,) but as a writer with short term memory loss, I wanted to keep documentation for when I go back to see Dr. A. Plus, sometimes you don't notice changes until you look back. I don't expect anyone to read it. Day 1: Took my first pill on an empty stomach at 5 am. I didn't...

Day four of Wellbutrin. I've been chronicling my day to day changes, but something significant happened this morning.  My sister-in-law went back to work today after her maternity leave, and a couple family members have volunteered days of the week to watch Lincoln. Today is my day. He's just sleeping right now, but I might be exhausted by 4 pm. I hope he doesn't freak out when my big head greets him when he wakes up. It has been a long, long time since I had a small baby for a whole day. The parenting gadgets are way more advanced than they were 15 years ago! Anyway, I left my house around 6 and was headed east. I got to see the sunrise, and it was so beautiful that it brought me tears. I could taste the colors too, which is something that I had completely forgotten I could do. It was all pastel pinks and fiery golden purples and blues, one of my favorite combinations that occurs in nature. It reminded me of the last time I saw something so beautiful. We had just gotten to...

I am all about a ride-on shooter game. (Actually any arcade shooter game. House of the Dead? Yes please. Lucky and Wild? I have a couple quarters.) I even gave myself tennis elbow from riding Toy Story Mania so many times years ago. I better get my fill of Men in Black: Alien Attack when we go back to Universal, because I have this sneaking suspicion half the world wants Will Smith canceled. I think I'm the only one in my family that really, really likes the shooting games, but at least they humor me. Maybe Universal can change it to a slapping game instead? Those aliens made fun of Peppy. I better slap them down! "GET MY HUSBAND'S NAME OUT YO ALIEN MOUTH!" *The  five places  you don't want to be when society collapses. *Breathetarian  cult lea der , who insists you can live without food or water, was caught eating McDonald's. But that is ok, because apparently all McDonald's locations are built on spiritual portals, diet coke is "light liquid" a...

Did you know lobotomies used to be performed through the eye (with an icepick) to sever the connections to the brain's prefrontal cortex? I would have probably been a prime candidate 75 years ago. I used to have this computer game where you were trying to escape a mental institution and if you got caught you were lobotomized.  I went to my appointment yesterday. The receptionist had given wonderful directions and when I walked into the office I was immediately put at ease by the music playing. I don't remember what it was, but it must have been some late 90s pop/rock station on XM, because there were no commercials. I remember recognizing all the songs, but I couldn't recall any of them now. The office staff were all very nice and that helped because I had no idea what to expect. I filled out some basic paperwork, and then I was called back shortly. I had read lots of online praise that you never have to wait more than 10-15 minutes.  The doctor was very nice and led me int...